If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong

If she talks a lot about light and love, oh boy are you gonna get a lot of angry drunk text messages in the middle of the night. Good luck.

My love comes unconditionally. My devotion does not.

Girl, I am just relieved that you survived your eleven failed engagements and multiple Mexican kidnappings so that you could be here on Twitter, and celebrating your birthday month with us.

I've been sexting with Mark Zuckerberg on his alternate account, and he's going to move me out to his mansion, I just have to send him a few Itunes gift cards first.

Romantic: moving to someone's town to be with them Slightly less romantic: moving to someone's town after they've broken up with you and asked you not to. Multiple times.

Every time I read an inspirational tweet I think about that one friend who liked to tell my then boyfriend when she was masturbating, and not gonna lie, the tweets feel a lot less warm and fuzzy.

There's a woman on Twitter who tells people I doxxed her for writing a tweet about a raccoon. Please don't get any of your facts from Twitter.

It is quite timely, that someone could give away their twitter account and then Twitter immediately gives that person back their first account, which they were previously locked out of for years. Like a little Christmas miracle for everyone, and not at all shady.

Held hostage by hesitation.

I wanted to remember him so I wrote down every lie. First I ran out of fingers. Then I ran out of toes I'll always remember you, baby, just not for any of the reasons you might be hoping for.

If you look closely, you can tell a person's damage by their tweets. But nobody's got time for that, so whatever.

Know my every waking thought and love me anyway.

You never forget how it all began.

Don’t waste time chasing anyone, unless it’s yourself.

Creating something out of nothing is one of the internet's best kept secrets

Watched Independence Day the other day and one of the few realistic things about it is that two people actually said goodbye to each other on the phone.