charles xavier: *leslie knope voice* hey, honey! good morning! how did you sleep? i adopted 32 mutant children. do you want pancakes?

MY ELBOWS HAVE ABANDONED ME x.com/official_profx…

he can't anymore

*at job interview* my criminal record? the only illegal thing i’ve done is KILLIN it on the dancefloor Haha just kidding! I've killed a man

apocalypse: i have recruited magneto me: you fucked up a perfectly good erik is what you did. look at him. he's got anxiety.

apocalypse: you are my children pietro: ok first of all, that's creepy and second, i want a different guy to say that to me

Interviewer at metal factory: says here you have experience with metal? Me: *slowly shifts over to cover tv reporting about magneto* yes.

*whispers* mutants *police sirens blaring, sounds of a lawsuit being filed by marvel*

20th century fox: we love all our new mutants equally! jean gray, scott summers, kurt and *looks at smudged writing on hand* jello

apocalypse looking for horsemen after he's reborn:

Me: Yes Charles.. I know..A stroller for the new kid. I got it. *hangs up* Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

tfw your son can deflect bullets better than you can

why must my children always get killed by flying projectiles

so when storm, psylocke, and angel joined apocalypse they got cool costumes and haircuts but when i joined i got an ugly piece of metal?

charles might seem OK about his hair loss but the other day i caught him humming "sweet dreams are made of these" while looking at wigs

all of erik's life decisions:

there's literally no difference between the x men and the x files we even have scully

oh you're a fan of charles xavier??? name five of the hundred children he adopted that doesn't meet a tragic end

someone: why you gotta be so rude? don't you know i'm human- magneto: exactly

Interviewer at metal factory: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Hopefully not seeking revenge or as a Horseman of the Apocalypse