I don’t think “3 sheets to the wind” accurately captures my drunk feelings so I am heretofore coining a phrase of my invention “7 sheets to the moon”

“How late you gonna be there?” Is New York for I’m not coming

You noticed I was 2 bloody mary’s and 0 glasses of water in and offered to “buy me a glass of water” and I’ve just learned this is my love language

Do you ever feel like a character in a novel poorly written by a man? Or are you normal?

What a big win. This team is all heart.

I like when a phone rings when I’m with my mom and she says “is that yours or mine” as if I haven’t had my phone on vibrate since 2013

A man just told me he’s never used an umbrella in his life like that’s some kind of flex and I can confidently say the straight men are not ok

As a kid my football knowledge was so heavily dependent on NFL Blitz 2001 on Nintendo 64 that I truly thought real NFL teams could opt for a completely ✨free point✨ after a touchdown.

Hey Kalina, who was just named The Sporting News NL manager of the year?

If I had to rank all the responses I’ve ever gotten to “I’m a genetic counselor,” the top 5 has a new member: “That’s some Jurassic park shit!!!”

A bar guy™️ just asked me how old I am and I pulled a 180 and asked him, and he looked HORRIFIED. Ladies this is your reminder to treat bar creeps the way they treat you ❤️

“Where’s your husband?” BRO WHERE’S YOUR WIFE? Literally just turn every question on them besties

Obliviously, I ask the bartender, do you serve food? Little does she know I’ve already looked the menu up online and I know exactly what I want

I stepped onto the train platform at Mets-Willets point with a full Bud Light and I was told to dispose her so I chugged it and yelled "protect trans kids" because I'm feeling spicy

freddie mercury in retrograde

On my first watch of the Sopranos, two takeaway are emerging: 1) this show convinced a generation of men that hanging out at a strip club in the middle of the day on a Wednesday is a normal thing to do, and 2) for men who are so afraid of appearing gay they sure do kiss A LOT

The female equivalent of all men believing they could safely land a plane is that I'm pretty sure I could safely deliver a baby with 10 seasons of Call the Midwife under my belt

a dating app for monogamous finance bros called Mutually Exclusive

Fried calamari is the mozzarella sticks of the sea

If someone were to ask Tim Walz if anyone were sitting in the seat next to him, he's the kind of guy to respond, "yeah! You are!"