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Boyfriends were invented to take u on walks that end in ice cream

The trenches are calling me back, I got a taste for some tv dinner Salisbury Steak

3D print me a milkshake won’t you, darling

Trader joe’s gets on my nerves bc why can’t I find sesame seeds or shallots but u wanna sell Blood orange kimchi lavender granola bars like Okay.

sean is short for parmesean cheese

I think deep down I have a belief that it is our responsibility as humans to entertain each other—to put the effort into our interactions that elevates life.

sure feels like a good night to get a lil drunk and throw out some lowball offers on ebay

I only listened to the tortured poets department ironically at first but now it’s one of my favorite albums

I just realized someone was in love with me five years ago.

all of my crushes have cheated on me. and im beginning to wonder if it’s because we were not in a relationship with each other

Hey, girl. You ever been with an amateur electric unicyclist?

I just explained to my mum what a talking stage is and she wanted me to inform you all that we are under SPELLS

By the time you hit 40 you should have no idea what’s going on

Oh a truckload of bees just mysteriously overturned, I've seen the x-files buddy that doesn't just happen by accident

Accidentally said the word “walk” in front of my dogs, so now we’re going for a walk because they won’t allow a different ending. They say Pavlov trained the dog, but methinks the dog had a few tricks up his sleeve too.

About a year ago I listened to a podcast from a guy who had written a musical about Stalin’s daughter called “Svetlana, Svetlana.” Now I learn it’s playing in town this summer! Ha, I am so excited.

I just explained to the cat for ten minutes that I’m officially done with whining.

I grew up in a windowless basement room, and I think it shows.

I use my words to make the world seem better than it is, so I can feel more excited about living in it. Others actively cultivate a view of the world worse than it is so they can feel better about barely being alive at all.

Another character flaw? Toss it on the pile.