I found nine artifacts on my first day as an archeologist and then the other archeologists kicked the shit out of me because we get paid by the hour.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I've eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

If someone who is good at Premiere Pro could tell me why my videos are rendering so blurry I would give you the moon and stars

youtu.be/PCHed7pVAOs?si…

In the next 30 minutes, I either need to catch up on everything I'm behind on or die.

I have incredible eyesight. I can see what kind of screwdriver I need in the house when I’m standing in the garage. I can see what your mother said to you when you were young that made you turn out this way. I can see a bug frown.

Here's my review of the new Fallout show:

Gears, cogs, and Walton Goggs. 100/100

Fun idea for a tweet:

You get people to send you pictures of themselves and then you guess how/when they’ll die. You tell all the hot people they’ll die in 100 years from “being too sexy😋” and you tell all the normies they’ll die in 3-6 months from toxic asymmetry.

“I finally figured out how to be stoic. I’m going to be completely stoic from now on.”

TEN MINUTES LATER

“I have been moved to tears by puppets yet again…”

It's not a fart, it's A Mighty Wind week on North American Friends Movie Club!

Lead vocalist Nate & drummer/harmonica/harmony brent share a kiss at the end of the rainbow.

Fred Willard
Catherine O'Hara
Other great improv actors

I win the quiz.
open.spotify.com/episode/7xwTbK…

NEW North American Friends Movie Club w/ A MIGHTY WIND
-mop technology
-wha happened
-skeletons of quinto
-two milky eyes
-one with the moon
-retirement home talk
-welllllllllll
-quiz, medals and ratings

open.spotify.com/episode/7xwTbK…

podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the…

New episode of North American Friends Movie Club is A Mighty Wind (2003) starring the crooner Kate and the plucker brent

Spotify - open.spotify.com/episode/7xwTbK…
Apple - podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the…

Me: Imagine if every tear was an egg and every time you started crying there was 10-50 broken eggs on you. You leave a funeral and it’s like “crunch crunch crunch” (if the person was beloved).

Genie: That's your wish?

Me: No, we're just talking. Just being Friends right now.

If you ever need a quick comeback just say, “I bet you’re the kind of person who gets weird bruises.” 99% hit rate.

God invented a bug that eats houses. He does not like us.

The boomerang was invented by accident and that guy died.

April is for documentaries on North American Friends Movie Club so I watched The Dawn Wall (2017) with El Capitan Kate and barn climber brent

Spotify - open.spotify.com/episode/2vR9Zo…

Apple - podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the…

Here's a video from last week's episode where brent pitches me and Kate on his new movie idea...

ME: I know you from somewhere

JESUS: I get that a lot

ME: No I’m sure

JESUS: Just one of those faces

ME: [holding my arms out] Go like this

Most stage actors are talented enough to ignore heckling but if you yell out something crazy enough like “y’all the reason Shakespeare killed himself” you will get a pause and a glance.