Don't be jealous of my vibrator, it can't replace the real thing.

Do be jealous of my back scratcher, it's better than you.

Tonight, I learned it's really easy to entertain myself

A sad story in five words:

Boob pics left on read

being a milllenial is feeling shame for sing the lyrics to ignition but not being able to deny the toot toot, beep beep

[Checking notifications]

Is this 💁🏻‍♀️ foreplay?

I subtweeted you, and you liked it... why aren't we exchanging nudes yet?

hey (with maybe a little bit of kiss)

Virgo, I hope you know of a drive-in so we can make out in the back seat

I've never done that

Hey, with the intention of pinning you against the wall

Hey, with the intention of being your soulmate

The husband is always the first suspect because it’s always the husband that did it.
Dateline taught me that.

My least favorite thing in the world is when men assume they can be the answer to my problems. Like honey, y’all are generally the cause. Please take a thousand seats.

If this is all just the matrix, then who gets to be Neo?