Hello fellow firstborns. This is a message just for you. It's OK to be wrong now and then. You're still the best.

look with the streaming limited series you get either the name talent or the plot twist there’s no budget for both

The audacity is literally all I have

When you fill your holy water bottle from the parish font, the air displaces like regular water. Holy water isn't flashy until it needs to be.

Be right back - CNN told me to fight the fascist oligarchs so I have to post an aphorism or two on social media to save democracy. It's literally that easy!

We are always here, in the now, whether our mind wanders or not

I may be stupid but I never confused a wolf with my grandmother.

I'm not even going to countenance that with an essay.

job hunting from my monitored work computer just to make a point

Doing stuff, invented that

We need more people who can change their mind when presented with new evidence.

I have a thing for women who get a little lippy when they’re hungry.

Did you grow up in a boarding house where you met lots of interesting travelers? No, you didn’t.

Get annoyingly into self portraiture

If you want to celebrate Cinco de Mayo properly, you really need to go beat up a French person. Then tacos and margaritas...

Infuriated that my Shaqaroni pizza from Papa John’s®️ does not look like the man himself.

Turns out I’m a surprisingly rich source of riboflavin.

Convenience store clerk: You have the boldness of a young Leona Helmsley.

How you shop is offensive

I'll need some time to process your insult before showing up at your house.