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(spice girls voice) if you wanna be (hulk hogan voice) my brother

How the fuck did the Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie sleep without a fan ?

what if I don’t have a structured settlement but I still need cash now

I have been chewing on this “Now and Later” since 87’

Hey bro, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to. You’re scaring the hoes.

Windshield repairman: All done. Don’t wash your car for at least two hours. Me [who hasn’t washed his car once during six years of ownership]: OK

One time I was out of clean Tupperware so I packed leftovers in a ziplock bag in my kid’s lunch. Apparently they’ve been calling him CHICKEN BAG ever since.

Bought a fly swatter, not to use on flies but to actually smack the fuck out of people who say “It is what it is”

Tell your mom I got those Winger tickets

My dating profile says ‘tall, great at parallel parking and puns.’ What more could people want?

Dear Coca-Cola, No more new flavors please. Either add the cocaine back or leave it alone.

13 year olds today are having relationship stress. When I was 13, I closed the fridge slowly to see how the light went off

i have been spending a lot of money lately which is unfortunate for someone like me who doesn’t have a lot of money

I'm approaching the age at which I have to make the decision about whether or not to buy one of those bird feeders with the solar powered cameras you can watch on your phone.

Lock down your iPhones!

Dear Internet, please stop telling me things came out 30 years ago, thanks

Not to brag, but l'm basically Kleenex's angel investor this year. My allergies just filed for an IPO.

we ride at dawn after lattes.

Don't threaten me with a good time it just makes me anxious