Sometimes I rewatch The Lost Boys just to feel something. Mostly the desire to live in a cave and sleep upside down.

The longer you’re married the more difficult it is to distinguish if it’s true love or Stockholm Syndrome.

It's just me and the bags under my eyes against the world...

No sport, the hot chick who can get any man she wants isn't thinking about you. Inhale that box of Pop-Tarts and be free already.

Jane Austen gave us men who crossed fields in the rain. Mine left me on read and liked someone else’s story.

I’m not procrastinating. I’m protecting my peace through active avoidance.

A couple of Hooters waitresses could fix me.

I remember when you could walk into an arcade with $5 and play video games for an entire Saturday.

WIFE: So what did you do today? ME: I wrote a movie where the son of God overthrows the Russian leader and becomes a benevolent dictator. Calling it Jesus Christ Super Tsar. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.

Thanks guys. Much appreciated 👊🏼

*quietly beatboxing as the cop reads me my rights

This world is worth fighting for it. Don’t let the hate keep you down.

My cats walked off midway through me telling them about my day. How fucking rude.

ME: *having been fooled by the rocks that's she's got* Omg you're just who from the where??

I built a time machine that takes us back to the 90's...lets go

Welcome to your fifties! Enjoy your arm chair nap. Oh, I know, I know, you ''didn't sleep'' , you ''just closed'' your eyes

If you’re pretty enough I’ll let you vape inside my pillow fort.

My wife texted me to see if I would like to go to a hotel for my birthday and I replied with 'That would be suite' and now I sleep in the shed.

Remember how when we were kids, we always got upset when our parents wouldn't let us come when they had errands to run? I get it now. I really...get...it.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don't