Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.

My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."

During sex people scream "ooh baby!" quite a bit. We're using condoms & you're on the pill. Strange to yell out the one thing we don't want.

My whole life I've been ordering pizza wrong.. I'll have a small boy with a side of extra small boy #pizzagate

I'd trust you with my getaway plan.

They have a higher threshold for pain, can survive bleeding for days, live longer & can make people. On paper, women sound like super heroes

Do people who end emails with "talk soon" not understand that cyber bullying is illegal?

I haven't done laundry in 500 tweets.

[throws donuts in the trash] [eats donuts from the trash]

We'll know for sure the Russians were involved if we look into the election and find a smaller election right inside

*finds note in bottle* Wow this is so cool it probably traveled across an ocean! *Opens bottle* "DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT"

If Trump being elected to the highest office in the land teaches us anything, it's that it's not the highest office in the land.

How much funnier would it be if our insane president elect was addicted to Vine

Keep your hug and just give me a retweet instead.

One NYT Facebook commenter's reaction to CIA assessments that Russia had intervened to help Donald Trump's candidacy nyti.ms/2hAOCrr

My wife came home and with in 3 minutes I'm screaming and in a shitty mood.. now that's talent

"Listen" - a story in three parts.

don't assume someone's gender just because they are back in town

Some *usually* brave, outspoken peeps not sayin shit about Trump bc they're scared. He's the warden in Shawshank. Don't call him obtuse...