It always amazes me that people will buy the cheapest option and then complain that it works like the cheapest option.

Found this at night in the far corner of my mom's garage. Particularly terrifying is the amount of tiny baby spiders. It's non poisonous and not aggressive but it's nothing a few Molotov cocktails can't remedy. I'll be starting a GoFundMe so my mother can buy a new house.

Why do people call them washing machines but they don't call dryers "drying machines"?

So I asked Google AI which team was going to win the NFC. It's all nonsense. Justin Herbert in Chicago? Tom Brady back to the Bucs? Trey Lance with the 49ers? It's wildly inaccurate.

A peace sign is just a middle finger with a friend.

I just had a lady returning a moisture meter and she said "it keeps reading everything as wet, maybe it's just me though...Wait, that didn't sound right"

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

I bet Donald J. Trump won't talk about otter gangs literally eating people.

Name checks out

Asking the mechanic to put a pumpkin patch on my tire because it's spooky season.

I'm at that point in my life where my "going out" outfit is the same as my "staying in" outfit, just with fewer stains.

.Detroit Lions QB Jared Goff has produced two-career games with at least 300 passing yards, an 80.0% completion percentage and a passer rating of 155.0. This ties for the most such games in NFL history. #OnePride

Texas has 2.1M undocumented immigrants and Florida has 1.2M. Minnesota has 130,000. Don't let anyone tell you this is about immigration. It never was.

There was a commercial on NBC about some project and it said "produced by Robert Redford" and my mom said "didn't he die". She rewound the TV, we watched again and there was no such commercial on. That is bizarre. Glitch in the matrix? Haha

Kid Rock makes music for people who always look wet but never shower.

I was realizing yesterday that I almost never see anyone wearing a red MAGA hat anymore in Florida. No giant obnoxious flags on trucks. Not even a bumper sticker. I know they exist but them being proud of it seems to be fading. This makes me happy.

Bob: This damn archival paper keeps jamming. It's like it hates me. Me: *looks down* There's your problem Bob. You're using ARCHRIVAL paper