So glad House of Pain called it 'Jump Around' and not 'Jump Up' so I could meet expectations

Life hack: If your glass is big enough, an entire bottle of wine can still be one glass.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Race car beds are wasted on kids. They aren’t even fast.

I think at least 97% of my problems could be solved if I had a pet dinosaur.

they should teach marriage in school, for example, today’s lesson is memorize the 14 adjectives of your wife’s favorite starbucks coffee

Hey! This is my void. Go scream into your own.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

I don't know who needs to hear this but...

LEAVE THAT GROUP CHAT. YOU DON'T WORK THERE ANYMORE. IT'S NOT FAIR ON NEW EMPLOYEES

I don’t understand why we are pretending orange hair is red

Me as a zombie: Breaaaaaaaaad….

it’s my kid’s birthday and for some reason he doesn’t want to look at pictures of him coming out of my vagina, I WILL NOT BE MARGINALIZED

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

This meeting could have been a thunderdome

There was a screw in the washing machine when I switched over 7’s clothes so either my washer is falling apart or 7 is hoarding screws. Not sure which is worse.

Because you deserve to be happy that’s why.

Heard some teen say 'ugh there's too much responsibility these days' and I was like 'kid please... i've still got Tamagotchi's older than you that i've kept alive'

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you.

please send thoughts and prayers for my 9 yo. he's bored because he can't play the nintendo switch right now because we're in our tornado safe spot trying not to die tonight.

Hulu's like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to...restart it from the beginning