My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

I say “no worries” a lot for someone who hasn’t slept in six years

Underwire broke and now I’ve got one boob in my pocket and the other one is hailing a taxi cab

I'm thinking of putting my will to live in a bag of rice overnight.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child's name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

“This is such a huge financial loss” me, after accidentally dropping a blueberry.

We’re getting a tax refund so naturally the clothes dryer stopped working.

According to my scales, there could be three wolves inside of me.

I don’t know which pants to put on
Fancy or smarty

Trader Joe’s cashier: so any plans for your birthday

me: *gestures at cart full of wine and cheese*

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

A disappointment rating service, call it Welp

Why don’t we ever see people kissing in trees? I mean there’s a famous song about it

Don’t you hate when you wake up in the middle of the night and you can’t go back to sleep for 16 percent battery?

Love to make bargains with my anxiety like bro, send that email and I'll let you take a nap

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Managing expectations

fast-forwarding through the ads was the best system and we fucked up. we fucked up bad