NGL, I'm not interested in getting to know any of you.

I think I want a nemesis. For funsies.

*reading the sunday comics to my family* & then dottie says, “no, i’m not going to carry you.” {wiping tears of laughter from my face} because, you see, marmaduke saw a lady carrying a small dog so he wanted to be carried too. but, he’s a…he’s a GREAT DANE. it’s a size joke.

Just you and me and this egg shaped container full of fresh silly putty

I empathize with the less fortunate as long as they stay out of my neighborhood.

When I die, plz make your entire back windshield a vinyl "in loving memory" sticker in my honor

Tragic: Stranger Thinks Your Sports Team Shirt Is An Invitation To Talk To You About Sports babylonbee.com/news/tragic-st…

Medically fascinating if true: Cockeyed

Maybe we didn't obsess over such superficial bullshit in previous centuries because we were too busy trying not to starve.

Baseball would be funnier if they called switch hitters “Bi Bat Swingers”.

Vladimir Putin was built entirely out of spare Boris Yeltsin parts.

Helen brought plastic salad scissor tongs when the occasion clearly called for stainless steel. Somebody needs to make things right, and that somebody is always me.

Back in the day, we only had 140 characters. We didn't fanny around. We were concise. Good times.

Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep

I know something is AI if my mom sends it to me

The Summer I Turned Pretty Fuckin' Insufferable

my nana says i can’t come over cause your house always smells like egg

Look, I’m not saying I’m some kind of hero but if I come to your house and your toilet paper roll is empty, I’ll change it for you

True love? I’d settle for anyone who doesn’t leave crumbs in the butter.

home is where the music never stops