Why buy this when I can drop my kids off at the self-checkout for free

Dear people who can fall asleep easily, I hate you a little bit.

I don't think I can respect anyone that doesn't like garlic bread.

Your secret is safe with me because I totally zoned out when you were talking.

When your knife is jammed in the burger and you're stuck - it's a mid-knife crisis

Only bots from Nigeria are allowed to call me dear.

What makes you think that you aren’t actually AI?

GM!

Back in the old days when we were told cereal was good for us. This was a common breakfast. I admit to eating the mini wheats, but not these big old shredded cardboard biscuits Did you ever eat this for breakfast?

A society where Archie Bunker is considered open-minded

Nothing a little John Denver and The Muppets can’t fix.

Just assume that I said "let that sink in" after literally everything I say. Let that sink in.

Do you know who this is? 😂

😡

Crying my eyes out over these McDonald’s commercials from the 1980s.

Pillow talk is speaking all the nothings that mean infinite everythings.

Not going to reply. Obvious baiting w/ a fair amount of chumming. 😉

Not for any reason, but sometimes you need to mute the reply guy tweeter. Hint to all I reply guy at! 😂

BEST REPLY EVER!

I just had a nap instead of my workout. May have burnt a few calories and reduced anxiety levels.