My 6yo is currently in an argument with Siri because he did not like her answer when he asked if a megalodon was bigger than a blue whale

It’s crazy what people say when they think nobody is listening.

Don't touch me or I'll aggressively organize the things on my desk

You don't scare me, you're not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Absolutely no one:
My 11 year old: so…do you and dad have recreational sex regularly?

My 6yo is currently in an argument with Siri because he did not like her answer when he asked if a megalodon was bigger than a blue whale

Autocorrect changed opinion to opossum and now it's backing into a corner and hissing and haven't seen something that accurate in a while.

Judge: You're being tried for murder

Crows: Your Honor, we can prove justifiable caws

Me at 1pm: I have so much self control, this diet is gonna be easy

Me at 1am: crap, I ate all the candy again

*sitting on couch looking at my phone*
Me: I'm just going to do this one quick thing, and then I'll go grocery shopping.
*an hour later still sitting on couch*
Me: Crap.
*starts to get up and notification dings*
Me: Okay, just one more thing, then I'll really go.

What's great about older kids is that there's no longer food crumbs everywhere and they pick up after themselves and if you believed this I'm sorry. I'm totally lying. It's actually way worse. More crumbs. Hope this helps you younger parents out there.

Don't eat Domino's after 40. You'll die.

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, probably the back of this truck

A dry wedding is just like a regular wedding but with no reason to be there

Dogwood
But dog mustn't

It’s amazing how a nice drink on a Friday afternoon reanimates you. Kinda like sea monkeys.

Hey Walmart - quit asking me to round up my total. If anything I would rather round DOWN.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

You don't scare me, you're not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

the person you are when you're a long way from a gas station and the fuel light comes on in your car is the real you