Bookstores shouldn’t have in-shelf mood lighting and Apple Store minimalism. They should look like a deranged person lives there sleeping on a sackcloth-covered pile of books. They can’t sleep in the thousand-year-old leather chair because that’s the cat’s bed.

"No thanks, I already have plans," he lied.

I hate when I’m trying to be healthy but my fridge is like: surprise! 3-day-old cheesecake.

Shoulder pads and a cigarette in the 80s meant one thing, you were the future, and he was history.

Water tastes 10x better at 2am out of a random cup you forgot existed

Me, every summer, "It's never this hot, there's somethin goin on."

“THERE BETTER NOT BE A FROG IN THE HOUSE,” and other things I’ve said today.

Stirring my coffee with a fork because my kids' greatest magic trick is making all the spoons disappear

in my defense your honor, i thought i was winning stupid prizes

You think you’re art but you’re actually an afterthought

If I were eating pickles from a small bowl right in front of me, one would logically assume those were my personal pickles, no? And someone grabbing and eating one of said pickles would be strange, yes?

going through TSA is so nerve wracking because what if I packed my gun that I don't own and my deodorant has explosives in it.

you feel like the part of the song everyone waits for

Me to phone: “Text Jill” (Bff I text daily) Phone: “No I don’t think I will, but let’s text Jill from that 2016 group text thread you spoke to once because her kid was in your 12 yr old’s preschool class”

I’m not a regular Mom. I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

If we all believe that tomorrow is Sunday and NOT Monday maybe we can confuse the bosses and all stay home.

let’s make plans to never make plans again