bagel w cream cheese gotta be like a top 20 human invention

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I've done is get my kids to like sushi.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no.

You’ve heard of elf on the shelf, but have you heard of minding your own business?

Being single makes you strict as hell. First time they catch an attitude, I be like “yeah I ain’t gotta deal with this”.

Shit be revealing itself all you gotta do is sit back and chill.

does anybody know if they've invented a way out other than through yet

We talk about “Ope” as a Midwestern phrase but we really need to talk about the “Oh no you’re fine” as a response to “Sorry”

I don’t have any generational wealth but I did inherit a great spaghetti sauce recipe

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

what is rizz if not swag persevering

No woman wants Andrew Tate they all explicitly, enthusiastically, without hesitation want to bone little shop of horrors era Rick Moranis

i hate how fast this app refreshes like bitch i was reading that

STYLIST: What do you wanna do for the Golden Globes? JEREMY STRONG: I’m thinking Hunter S. Thompson in the Beastie Boys. STYLIST: Got it. JEREMY STRONG: Paddington’s cousin who sells coke. STYLIST: Okay. JEREMY STRONG: Stanley Tucci playing Gilligan. STYLIST: Right.

Twitter needs a button that's "bring back that tweet I was just starting to read before you automatically refreshed."

one of the most important things I've learned in life, and I can't stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think

I would quit this app but sadly no other social media platform has figured out how to automatically refresh my feed and replace a post I wanted to read with an ad for the state of israel