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Instead of rewarding myself with little treats for a job well done, I've started rewarding myself with little naps. Ran a few errands? Take a nap. Folded laundry? Take a nap. Listened to my husband talk about work endlessly? Take a nap.

My children are old now, so now I nurture my sourdough starter.

My teen is an extrovert and I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

All I’m saying is, if Spider-Man’s web shooters were in his butt or abdomen like a real spider, it would be a whole different kind of movie

Is it possible to talk to someone close to lunchtime without thinking about what you’re going to have for lunch?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a dozen times a day, shame on me. -me to my weather app that's been saying it's going to rain the past few days and it hasn't

every year as I get older, I dread more and more July 4th outdoor events. Why can't we stay inside where it's cool? This outside party is bullshit, Kathy. Let me into your house.

You look like you spelled your name wrong on the SATs.

Your honor, I only confessed to the crimes because the detective brought Cheddar Bay biscuits into the interrogation room.

Any hotter out here and I would be engulfed in blue flames.

I’ve decided to zone out. No current plans to zone back in.

Actually, I’m not sorry for what I said when it was hot out. I meant every word.

90 days until fall. If we survive.

I’m in a really good place right now, not mentally I’m just indoors with air conditioning.

The closest I come to pulling an all-nighter these days is when I drink water an hour before bedtime.

The reason divorce is so common among men in their 40s is because that's when they grow little boobies of their own.

I cannot be trusted with important things, i routinely lose my tv remote

Smash.

Me watching my AC unit running non stop.

Joggers. Couch. Bourbon. Schitts Creek.