Swaggering slow through JCPenney like a pimp flashing an Apple Pay QR code at all them clearance rack ladies

Oh look it’s me and my results

It's good to have some weird opinions lined up for dull family parties: butt implants are the truck nuts of plastic surgery, Superman could never defeat the Minions and Uncle Mort's toupee looks better on the holiday ham.

Don't settle for a handful of garter snakes when you know you deserve a boa.

can't, because all the everything.

Sometimes I’ll try and motivate someone by saying “you got this” but honestly I’m not sure if they “got this.” Sometimes I’m almost positive they don’t have it at all.

Anyone: hey do you want to-

Me: screams like a goat

Don't blame me if my tweets disappoint you. It's your own time you're wasting.

You're at the local county fair and you see a caricature artist. You go over to his booth and his sign says he'll draw the 'real you' for five dollars. You pay him and he draws you as a tuba.

DJs built the pyramids, that’s what

The year is 2026. By federal law, every film must be Spider-Man.

We called the neighbor kid Red. He had the classic lines of a baby cardinal.

Don't go loco.
Have some cocoa.

What the fuck really did I even do?

I recently moved to a house in a forest and am loving the wildlife. Most of the wildlife. There’s a rare jolietjakeblues eagle that keeps flying over the yard screeching “how much for the leettle dog?”

Fallout 4 is my favorite mad max game about blade runner

(pocket air horn) if you have ever considered owning or do own a zoom lens, get out

Oh, look another person with every imaginable disadvantage hiked up Mount Everest on a pogo stick but you can’t get a text back

okay whose neck have you been romancing, necromancer.