GOTDAMNIT 😤

I saw Carol Burnett trending and thought it was her turn with Pete Davidson.

Anybody want to scream for awhile then go to Denny’s and get breakfast for dinner?

Judge: Order in the court!
Trump: Two Big Macs and a large fries.

Called in, 'The toe seam on one of my socks is crooked and I can't work like this.'

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

*Wholesome Tweet*

Someone said I drink like a fish but jokes on you, fish don’t even like Pinot Grigio.

At dinner my husband said, “Can you give me the short version on why Kate Middleton is trending?”

No sir I cannot.

Friend’s baby: goo gah bvvvv
Me: Do you have one that speaks?

All Valentine’s Day stuff is overpriced and underwhelming. Now go grab me a peanut butter cup and let’s call it a day.

You are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

I am a meh wrapped in a whatever inside a who cares.

If I don’t need a mattress can I still celebrate President’s Day?

I'm a little worried that one of you is my probation officer.

They say if you feel overwhelmed, it's important to ask for help.

*Husband immediately loses the list of things I asked for help with*

At least he lived a long destructive life.

RIP Slim Shady

Don’t startle me.
I’m trying to hold in a fart.

Anyone: hey do you want to-

Me: screams like a goat

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open...

Me: I said hit me again.

Costco Sample Lady: Please. I have a family.