too many generic kid names like "chris" and "jake" out there. if i had a son i'd name him something bad ass. like "the shovel"

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives. Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war* Me: Dammit.

All of the hashtags in your bio gave me an anxiety attack. Pass.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

This protein packed pasta only uses 6 simple ingredients and just takes 30 minutes and requires you to wash a psychologically damaging amount of dishes!

commercials should be the same volume as the show, we have the technology

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn't find one.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Did you ever think about how there's wild horses out there, just running around on bare feet?

I choose peace motherfucker.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

i found a Skittle in my bra and i'm hoping that's a portent of a good day

When you’re a teacher, how you dress on “professional days” is who you really are

When you already like them... then they throw you a Back to the Future reference... they're a keeper

What we're doing is we're watching Con Air.

Going back to your first Instagram post and liking one everyday like I’m Michael Myers slowly chasing you

whoops accidentally said I couldn't make it before they even said the date

I can't explain it but 5 x 5 = 25 gives off the same vibe as Friday.

youtu.be/_OzbmriDgQc?si…