The walk of shame, only it’s just me walking to the trash with all of my empty candy wrappers.

I would like an actual sugar mama or sugar daddy who will drop off peanut butter m&ms and other delicious treats sporadically, but regularly throughout the week.

them: do you take after your mom or dad me: I’m more like my dad in my sense of humor but I’m more like my mom in that I’m still alive

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

My grandma just turned 102 and eats piles of candy and I'm just doing this all wrong

Just me wearing safety goggles while tipping a bag trying to get those chip crumbs off the bottom

One thing I love about this place is the way our community rallies around one another when it counts. Please consider donating, and please rt and share!!! Lets get Jenny and the Bets to her goal 🙏 gofund.me/e2966934

Yes, I have E.S.P. (emotional support pizza)

I love restaurants where the employees are purposely rude and say extremely mean things to you, like Dick’s Last Resort or Burger King.

Welcome to our home. I’d say sorry for the mess but we have three kids, they’re the ones who should be sorry.

Cult recruiter: …also, there will be peanut butter m&ms— Me: Sonofabitch, I’m in!

I know everything I need to know about a person when I find out what their favorite movie candy is.

I don’t like the person I become when someone schedules a meeting that should be an email

not to brag but I quit my workout half way through and sat in the corner eating sour patch kids while watching everyone else do the workout.

my favorite part of being a CrossFit coach is being yelled at by the class as I encourage them through a workout. It's like being a parent.

PSA: it's sun-DAY not sun-DEE. You idiot.

I can deadlift 405 lbs and power clean 225 lbs but I just yelp screamed and ran away from a frog on my patio. So yeah I'm still a little bitch.

Not saying I was jonesing for the return of football, but I just bet my life savings on the coin flip

Remember when you were 9, you and your friends worked really hard to rehearse a song & dance at recess, were hyped to perform it for your teacher and 30 seconds into the performance you realized it was awful? So do I and I’ll remember again at 3 am.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture The picture: