My wife and I setup a blow up movie screen in our yard together for a movie night tonight and we're still married.

6: Are hoes real?

Me: I’m sorry, what?

6: Are they real like in Minecraft?

Me: [Oh thank goodness]

Air-conditioned wife, happy life

Just unearthed a banana from my 10yr old’s bedroom circa 600 BC.

14 said in a grumpy tone 'I can't wait to be 18 and move into my own place so I can do whatever I want' and boy did I have to hold in laughter because bro I'm 41 and I still can't do what I want.

Spaghetti sandwiches are, in fact, a thing and they’re delicious.

Who you are when your kids wake you early on a Saturday is the real you

I saw an old DeLorean speeding down the road, and I'm sorry to report it didn't leave a trail of flames and suddenly disappear.

Mom, I’m bored, nighttime is boring

-my 8yo at 3am

Omg we are at a bday party and the magician looks like a steam punk version of Alice Cooper this is an amazing development

Me: I'd like to be a more annoying neighbor.

My new lawnmower: Hey, I have a headlight for this very purpose.

When I buy something and I say I don't need a bag. I feel like a superhero saving the planet one plastic bag at a time, bitch.

I could be 2 inches from my 9 yo's face, stare at him directly in his eyeballs and say something clearly and entirely louder than necessary and he would still say 'what' before I could even finish my sentence.

Such a great presentation I'm getting on this morning's meeting.

Today is my youngest’s first field day and I had to give her the same talk I’d given her siblings, “If you’re not first, you’re last” and “I breed winners”

Me to my husband when he's arguing with me about something stupid: Is this really the hill you want to die on?

My husband:

kid: ooh! a new game! how do we play?

me: first you spin this spinner and

kid: you know what I’m just gonna go watch my ipad

Are there any bot accounts where their profile pictures are rather tired looking middle aged women that need a holiday? Seeing a gap in the market.

Here's my 1 year transformation at 41. Maybe this will give some Dad-spirarion to some other dads out there! Get active so you can be active with your kids!

My fitness device didn't pick up and track my 1 hour workout at the gym tonight but it did pick up a 'workout' from 8:16 to 8:35 pm tonight.

I was eating Taco bell.