A coffin is just a hammock with a lid.

If you cry in your soup you'll have more soup.

If you don't teabag all of your friends when you're drunk, you don't even deserve to have testicles.

It's a perfect night to find a secret passageway behind a bookshelf & go fuck yourself.

I've never met a duck who played soccer before, but I reckon that'd really quack me up.

I’m finding it more and more difficult to tell the difference between a vegan and a heroin addict.

There are some people you only meet once in a lifetime and that’s more than enough.

Welcome to your 40’s. Everything jiggles.

Accidentally burped into my inflatable girlfriend while blowing her up and now she has BO.

Fuck a vegan. They need some meat.

If boobs are measured in cup sizes then how many boobs are there in a standard drink?

They say genius is sometimes the simple things, so now I understand why women are so complicated.

Did you guys know if you sneak into the woods with a chainsaw, dressed as a clown to cut your own Christmas tree, no one will stop you.

Women are kinda like garbage bins cause they're only good for sticking your junk in them & you really only need to take them out once a week.

Everybody’s a fuckface if you’ve had enough to drink.

To be honest, I really love you guys. I don’t even care if you’re all fat.

I'm not really judgmental, unless you're stupid..