Home is where the daily pill organizer is.

Husband: You’re ruining my life Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

We’ve been lied to so much, I’m starting to question gravity.

I’m still social distancing!😁

in case u need to lose a boner fast

Not to brag but my wife said I am not my own worst critic.

🎶 let the good times roll 🎶

Maintaining a low-key buzz is critical to every holiday experience.

i honestly dont know how rich ppl end up committing crimes. if i had even $500K, i would live so peacefully, mind my own business, wear my little outfits, and just feed birds.

The entire world has gone batshit crazy.

I’m kinda a big ordeal.

If my cat doesn’t like you, neither do I. 😻

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

THE BEST MEDICINE IS HEARING A CAT PURR

There’s no way for your life to fall apart if you never get it together.

Whatever happens … Don’t let it ruin your day

The truth is out there. It's usually buried under a bunch of shit but it's out there.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

I'm an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*