I'm sure you're nice but I only talk to people from 2012 twitter.

I can't control what my face does when someone is being stupid.

Fast food isn't that fast or good enough to be this expensive

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” ~me, all day long, about everything

I am extremely patient as long as you hurry the fuck up.

“It was nice meeting you” ~me, lying

Last night, I thought I was the kind of person who wanted to get up super early today, I’m not that person anymore.

When you get a package delivered and the delivery person barricades you inside your own house.

MLB has far and away the worst replay system. He was clearly out.

That point when you can either keep talking and make matters worse or just shut up. Me: *still talking

Everyone: We're kicking their ass with just plain old football. Should we just keep doing that? Andy: Nah.

Bo knows you want this limited Topps card to celebrate Bo Jackson's birthday! 🔥 Like and repost for your chance to win.

Couldn't untangle my Christmas lights this year. So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

Patrick deep throws are just depressing now

What a moment for DeAndre Hopkins. 12 years in the league. Four teams. Five-time Pro Bowler. First AFC title game in the books, and now first Super Bowl on the way. "They gave me a shot." #ChiefsKingdom

Pretty sure that 'resealable' translates to bullshit in another language.

There should be a tax on ignorance.

There isn't enough humans caring about other humans.

Life: Good morning! Me: Fuck off.