i hate old people man. “i was in the war” congratulations. i’m gonna be in the next one and they have laser beams now

A foundational text of the current discourse surrounding hockey players:

Oh my god. They did it.

if the grapefruit deactivates my medicine i say let it. not the first fruit to make me psychotic

A friend told me she avoids calls and texts when she’s going through something so she doesn’t overshare. I tried it, and I completely get it now.

“you’re so funny” thanks i got played by a man who wanted me first

“whats your plan if society collapses? I think woods and just wait it out” relapse then blow my head off. Not doin The Road stuff sorry. My life was stupid when society functioned normally. Im not getting into gun fights over wet dog food. Just some heroin and eating a 9mm thanks

This isn’t even a joke

i think its funny that a phineas and ferb joke can globally change the meaning of the phrase "if i had a nickel" from "this has happened to me so many fucking times" to "this thing has coincidentally occurred a few times"

a beautiful woman named beep is trying to contact me through my carbon monoxide alarm

if you’re a girl with a sense of humor & an ounce of optimism they’ll literally kiII you

Dating apps don’t work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexuał tension to even consider falling in love

cuando te das cuenta que en algún momento tiene que dejar de gustarte porque no hay ninguna forma de que acaben juntos

one time I applied for a job at a dispensary and I asked the boss if they had benefits and he said "free weed" and I was like what about health benefits and he was like "free medical weed"

This is extremely funny to do to the quite elderly avatar of White Anglo-Saxon Protestantism

i gotta be the only human in the world who’s received a voice mail like this

I think the only diagnostic criteria you need for adult woman autism is if she’s already 27+ and has never been invited to a bachelorette party