the 2 yr old in this store with her scarf trailing on the floor & a sticky face & crying for candy is my spirit animal

nobody likes a whiner - me as a doctor

Sniffing contents of a container: Not sour cream Not yogurt But a secret third nasty thing

My five year plan is to see exactly what I can get away with

Life’s too short to be low maintenance.

Walking along the shoreline enjoying the moon, Mars, and countless stars.

Sometimes I wonder if the plot ever gets tired of being twisted

Practice like you’ve never won, and perform like you’ve never lost.

Can't... learning Janice on the Muppets guitar riffs.

Such a waste to primp and get cleaned up so early in the morning for a 20 minute appointment.

Back in my day the women & the stereo systems were stacked - no, you shut up!

Them: "you shouldn't drive angry" Me: "I never start out angry but have you seen the utter morons i'm sharing the road with"

Since no one will see this I will now talk about my feelings

A quiet mind sees what a noisy heart keeps overlooking.

We're all on borrowed time, so choose people who choose you.

I didnt know my road to success would have all these detours

I wish there was a Hunger Games for people who “Read” texts and don’t reply.

Sometimes karma needs to bitch slap you and remind you how good you got it.

Her: “Men are creepy!” Me, from inside of the closet: “Yes, we are.”