My brain: Just be cool. Just be cool. Just be cool. Me: Nope (Repeat daily)

I got invited to a party that is potluck, ugly sweater, AND Secret Santa. It's the trifecta of holiday misery.

Hope everybody on my gift list wanted discounted Halloween candy for Christmas!

I once bought my dad a Big Mouth Billy Bass as a gift and still consider it the best holiday purchase of my life.

A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.

Dear Commercials, Quit making commercials that have a house doorbell ring. Thanks. Regards, Every single owner of a dog

Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite reusable shopping bag now.

[burns mouth eating pizza] ME: i never thought you'd be the one to ever hurt me.

I scream, you scream, we all scream. The screaming continues.

Don’t forget - Saturday you get an extra hour to lie awake at night and overthink everything you’ve done wrong in your life.

I never feel more powerful than when my lane is the only one moving on the highway. But, alas, the interstate giveth, the interstate taketh away.

My traditions are actually just repeated mistakes.

If my scotch tape wasn't always missing, there would probably be no stopping me.

[traffic stop] Officer: Ma'am, why didn't you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights? Me: Oh, I can't see a thing without my glasses.

I just put my phone in my pocket like I'm not going to look at it again in 6 seconds

I never knew you could buy crow calls, but now that I do I hope all you guys like crow calls.