If someone has fallen off social media there are only two reasons: 1) not doing well 2) doing extremely well

It's getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

Same sex marriage is next...better tell the dems to act immediately. Put pressure on them all

‘member when the united states was a nation that gave its people human rights instead of taking them away? good times.

Sneak peek at the new government assistance card.

[driving on freeway] CAR: [making all kinds of concerning noises] ME: [turns up music]

Trying to convince my white friend to name their newborn baby Dikembe Mutombo

I think I’m spending too much time wondering what I’m going to be when I grow up

Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me? Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball. Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.

friend: so how’s life, man? me: my 8 month old knows how to throw things now, so…

Somebody put something in my drink. Please

Imagine seeing a black person play an elf on TV and think it's not realistic

Pharmaceutical commercials looking like movie trailers

Be careful what you're wishing for when you think no one's around

this dude standing in line behind me at the post office blasting his music on his phone is so lucky i took my medication today.

I don't watch the Grammy's bc I don't know anyone...I've had the same playlist for over 2 decades

*sees top stories on news app *deletes news app

this one chops pickles. the other 8 must just slice shit. -me, explaining the 8 other knives in the block that I've never used