My sister just loudly and impulsively hollered “FUCK!!!” in the middle of our backyard and unfortunately there’s no good way to explain to our neighbors that it’s not because we’re fighting but because my dad put “Christmas Eve In Washington” on the speakers.

I love ending professional emails with “thanks in advance for your understanding” because it reads much better than “AND IF YOU YELL AT ME FOR THIS I WILL CRY”

There are so many folks currently in prison who spend decades trying to do everything right. Not getting in trouble, taking every class available, being a mentor to others, just for a chance to be *considered* for clemency. For a chance to go home. I'm thinking of them right now.

Just a reminder of what those Capitol steps looked like during BLM protests. Miss me with the “overwhelmed” and “unprepared” law enforcement. There’s no such thing.

Uhhhhhhhhhh are you fucking kidding me nytimes.com/live/2021/01/0…

I know we’re supposed to be banishing the exclamation point, I KNOW I have to stop inferring tone in text, but when I offer to inconvenience myself and get an email back that says “Thanks.”, there will always be a little part of me that wants to hit the sender with my car!!! :)))

Without fail, the first day of the year that hits 60°F still instantly morphs my brain into a feral creature who screams ceaselessly about how I need sundresses NOW as if I have been outside for more than ten minutes even once in the past year

I’ve made plenty of bad decisions in my life but agreeing to watch I Care A Lot was by far the worst

will never understand why plus brands who claim to want to *really* reach plus women consistently choose to collab with celebs who don't seem to understand anything beyond the absolute most basic, banal ideas about existing as a fat person in public nytimes.com/2021/04/05/sty…

woke up to a series of voice messages between two very drunk friends in a group chat that ended with "and drink some water... Brittany would want us to drink water" so I'm proud to announce that hydration police is officially my brand

yes it's the middle of August and I'm watching Christmas Inheritance because The White Lotus left me EXHAUSTED and I need a Jake Lacy palate cleanser, okay

if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s inconsistent

wild that plus size fashion is the entry point for pretty much every mainstream conversation about fatness and acceptability and yet fat people can still walk into the the majority of stores in America and find nothing to wear

every season is spooky season when you’re just kind of a nervous person

we are the daughters of the bajas you couldn’t blast

eventually my only twitter activity will be posting this once a year to maintain christmas queen dominance