Stop trying to make sense out of everything.

Have someone in your life who is excited to see you when you come home from a long day. Someone who will look at you with love, curl up beside you when you are watching a movie, looks forward to the simple things like going for a walk together. It’s a dog. Get a fucking dog.

I’m not drunk. I’m whiskey enhanced.

Looking for a good time ? Don't call me...im tired.

My five-year plan is to disappear

The last two weeks have been rough. This is reinforced by how much the recycling truck groans when it attempts to pick up my recycling bin.

My computer "performed an illegal operation" and had to shut down.. I just hope it wasn't the Human Centipede.

Wanna join my gang? We're into kindness and naps and stuff...

I hate it when someone tells me they’re laughing their ass off at one of my jokes, then I see them later and they still have their ass.

Lazy is my speed.

*discovers a better way to do something* *continues doing it the old way*

No no, that’s not a gap in my resume, those were my Inspirational Tweeter years.

They said you can't have a pet clown. "Then who have I been feeding?" you ask, while pointing to the tiny circus tent. And no one ever bothered you again, the end.

I agreed to let her wash my hair but with only one condition... Otherwise it seems too greasy.

I have very low expectations; so just know if you disappoint me, you've really fucked some shit up.

Because darkness doesn't get to win in the end. That's why.

Serial killers in the tweets, cereal killers in the streets. -Most of Twitter