I still have unresolved emotional trauma from Amazon showing me those boots that weren't available in my size.

I'm almost a sexagenarian, so I'm pretty sure that's when I'll make my mark on pervy Twitter.

I just combined detox tea with gut health tea, so yeah, I live dangerously.

I used to sleep in pajama pants and a shirt, now I sleep naked knowing if someone breaks in that’s enough to scare them away..

I see you over there, finishing off your 17th jalapeño popper. Call me

For the next week I'll be doin all the acronyms, TGIF AWOL GTFO IDK, AYOR and last but not least, SNAFU.

Of course I'm not self-aware, what fun would that be?

Can’t, I’m busy correcting grammar on bathroom stalls.

Beauty is pain. *puts on patent leather, glitter encrusted, wingtips I bought one size too small *cries

When the going gets tough, the tough get cross-faded.

Until you’ve eaten an entire cake in the parking lot of H-E-B while crying, don’t judge me.

I realize no one has truly seen me, felt me, or touched my soul. Even when I don't feel important and bare my heart, I'm still alone with my heart in my hands.

Anyone else ever feel like the idea of telling their story to someone new is just too much trouble? Like no thanks I’d rather stay single than to have to rehash that shit even more more fucking time. Not happening.

We all have pasts. We all made choices that maybe weren't the best ones. None of us are completely innocent but, we all get a fresh start every day to be a better person we were yesterday.

Top Five cancer benefits 5. Astonishing weight loss results, 4. Seven weeks off work, 3. Being awake for no more than four hours in a row, 2. Medicinal gummies, and 1. The Magical Chemo Wig Shop

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

I think we can we all agree that the drop in church attendance in the U.S. can be correlated with the fact that they're still encouraging tone deaf women to screech unintelligible hymns at people with hangovers.