No no babe, don't touch my snow globes.

I came into some money today (found a quarter in a clean pair of jeans)

The cool thing about being a middle-aged introvert is that your Friday night plans are about as exciting as they were in high school, but you like that now.

My dad had a pharmacy. It had a huge cigar case and a soda fountain that would seat 20. Good times.

I will be sleeping all weekend . Please leave a message at the beep.

Everyone should take a break from politics and go clean your airfryers.

In 20 years there'll be nursing homes playing Mario Party on the N64.

All I have to say is, thank fuck this week is over.

It’s called Skinny Pop. I’ve been eating 17 bags a day and still, nothin’. I may need to litigate. This is bullshit.

She was rare, like a woman without an Onlyfans

I cannot stand Kevin Hart there I said it… fuck off

Fuck it, let’s go.

i came here to plan poorly and chew bubblegum and i'm all out of bubblegum

Locking myself in a room until I can learn how to shuffle a ham sandwich like a deck of cards.

My job is very stressful right now, but at least everything else in my life also gives me anxiety.

Cause of Death: Tripping over 1 of your cats

Idk how detectives solve any cases before losing interest and just doing something else

A Venezuelan gang just took over my shed

"your password is too weak" just wait until you see my impulse control

There’s a significant difference between a cute butt and a nice ass