Next time you stick a finger in my ass could you please make sure I'm not doing a 14 day detox cleanse.

I watch so much porn, I don't even jerk it anymore, I just critique the plot.

DOCTOR: He's in shock COP: What happened? D: Someone made him smoke a marijuana cigarette C: You're saying-? D: Yes. Blunt forced trauma

Thanks to Twitter, I now know that edging has nothing to do with landscaping.

Today, on a crowded bus, I sneezed on my own boobs. How is your Monday going?

Waterboy's mama would say that social media is the devil, and she'd be right about that.

Twitter is kind of like gardening for people who don't like to go outside.

Just being on Tweeter full stop 😂😂😂😂 x.com/JustinSayne722…

Don't tell me you love me and then tell me I can't touch your boobs.

The Walking Dead: No Man's Land #TWDNoMansLand

Millennial: If I win the Powerball all of you will be a millionaire Baby Boomer: If I win the Powerball all of you will know a millionaire.

If your pussy looks like a roast beef sandwich, put that shit away.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" sign I'm gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Parents who have allowed your 8 yr olds to become spoiled brats ... We'll check back in 10 years to see how that worked out for you.

How I romance my husband...

From the radio: tinder is like Pokémon go: open the app, swipe till you find one you want, catch them and train them. 😂😂😂😂

Women are really not that hard to please. Text us back, feed us, and don't dip your dick in anyone else.

Nothing scares me more than opening Facebook and seeing my nudes slide across the top and Facebook asking if I'd like to post them.

Truth time: not all babies are cute. For instance, yours looks like a swaddled potato.