I leave happy shows on for my dog whenever I leave the house. He really likes the Food Network 👩🏻‍🍳

how are all the women on twitter hot and funny af and the men are just different variations of thumbs

sure drake is a pedophile who makes boring music but have you considered that he's also ugly

binding is not enough I need to be crushed by the vacuum of outer space

i'm sorry i sat on your prescription lunch

zooming out to reveal our whole galaxy as but one sprinkle in an entire Little Debbie Cosmic Brownie

Me: I am terrified of eagles.

Therapist: Okay, take it easy.

Me: *screams*

I get twice as many steps on my walks by quickly finding new routes to avoid my neighbors also on walks.

been tweeting a lot about beer and top lately. summer is in the air

GUARD 1: Before you 2 doors, behind one certain doom. One of us speaks only truth, the other screams nonstop

GUARD 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

GUARD 1: He, uhh, he does that

GUARD 2: AAAAAAAAǍ̸̡̛͓̥̖͖̠͇̲͕̦͔̣̦̳̞́̾͐͋̀͗̈́͌͌͆̓̕͜͜͝͝Ą̴̨͍͑̑̒͗͗͒̓̂̿̃̋̂̈́̕Á̶̧̧̩͕̭̥͉̟̻̲̭͔̞̋Ã̴̡̛̞͌͛̽̎͆̎͋̄͌̇̚

Doctor: You have Tom Jones Syndrome

Me: Is that common?

Doctor: It’s not unusual

I know if I was an astronaut out in space I would get homesick for KFC.

'How about we make a dove that's an asshole'

- God creating the pigeon

Men: iM fIvE eIgHt AnD a QuArTeR

Epitaph:

Only his stupidest least original tweets garnered any attention.

Plus he was a disgusting imbecile.

This morning, I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me, and now I'm not leaving my house for the rest of the year.

the hottest thing a man can do is have a constant stream of random information and facts to share with you on any incidental subject

Skipped my workout this morning and just like that broke the one day long fitness streak