I’ve always been pretty chill about gender. Like when Shania said “let’s go girls,” I knew that included me.

Being a baby in a stroller under the plastic cover when it’s raining must be a major vibe

me seeing how ridiculous gas prices are right now

My favorite

If your name is Jesus and you have a big dinner planned with your friends for next Thursday in a garden of some kind, DON'T GO. Those aren’t your friends, boo. One of them will betray you. DM me for details.

And to think I might never have known

Can’t believe I’ve lived far enough into the future to learn the first slur for robots

(Youth pastor voice) but on the third day, He was so back

You know what’s not a swear word? Dick’s Sporting Goods -my 8yo, testing his bad word boundaries

this is my version of an egot

You're trying to tell me something important but I'm on a spinning chair

I really wish I was a woman of few words. Unfortunately, you will hear from me. 👍🏽

I’m at the doctors and an elderly couple come in so I get up to give them my seat so they can sit together, and she goes “thank you, sorry I’m old and decrepit” and her husband immediately goes “AND gorgeous” omg

I hate when my side hustle (my job) gets in the way of my main hustle (dilly dallying)

going on a trip when i’m breaking out, recently gained weight, have the ugliest haircut known to man, failing 3/4 classes, and am in the worst mental state i’ve been in in months

My mild adult acne does not define me and neither does my posture I am nice

Them: You go to the gym 5 times a week??? You must be shredded Me gaining and losing the same 5lbs every month

twitter is cigarette for the eyes

another beautiful day without using sin, cos or tan