Make Grammar Correct Again

Next time a guy asks to see more of me, I’m showing him my colonoscopy video

rip OJ Simpson. You'd have loved, you know, not being murdery

Everything reminds me of her

Non-vegan dating app idea:

Meat people meet people

Plot twist: Kate Middleton is actually cake

And on the third day Jesus rose and turned his bunny's poop into delicious chocolate eggs it was crazy

No one:

My 6yo: remember that movie where Kevin got home aloned

Guys hear me out: Amish Space Lasers

How the negation went.

Fox: can we pause the case after my appeal?

Me: naa. Fuck that.

Fox: ok, I'll drop the case but Mukhtar has to pay his pay his legal costs.

Me: naa. Fuck that.

Fox: I'll pay X amount but can we keep it confidential.

Me: naa, Fuck that

Fox: settled

Forgot the word for humous so I just went to the fridge to get some food paste

everyone’s speculating on why kate middleton and king charles are out of the public eye i think the answer is obvious ..they got freaky fridayed

You know you've gotten too close to your gf's cat when you find a bit of its fur up your right nostril

I just force them into illegal fight club tournaments.
If they don't rip out their opponents' tracheas with their bare hands (or at least pluck out an eyeball, or urethra etc), then I know they are just terrible and should be avoided.

Her: what would you like for breakfast?

Me: I would like to get fucking hammered please

Newborns cry because they're being evicted

POV: You thought the rattling in your guitar for the last 7 years was just a spare pick, when really, your son put Lego and a sweet wrapper in it when he was 6.

Happy birthday to Gene Hackman, the inventor of DNA editing

Honkin' hard, or hardly honkin'?

~ geese, probably

13 Feb:
Doctor: Happy VD!
Patient: Valentine's Day is tomorrow
Doctor: No, I mean you have gonorrhea