Boss: some people find you intimidating. Me: I'm literally wearing a gingham dress I'm the least intimidating person in the building. Someone called me Little Debbie earlier... Boss: I think it's your words more than your appearance. Me: gingham.

For our anniversary, Amanda sold her beautiful hair to the wig maker to buy me a fob for my pocket watch. I had no idea it was our anniversary.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

dating a white person seems so scary what if they don’t wash their legs or they have a popcorn bowl they also use for throw up

the hottest girl you know is surrounded by piles of stuff

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It's just an onion man why don't you relax

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Today at work a 62 year old woman asked me to "use skibidi in a sentence" I swear Boomers and Gen Z need Millennial translators to communicate with each other

They stop carding you once the light has left your eyes.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I'm not built for OnlyFans.

me: *has a day off* my kid: *coughs* me: no

men be like, “idk what you want me to say” BITCH SAY SORRY

being a human is miserable i want to be a tiny baby hippo who is allowed to bite everyone

At McDonalds, you can get as many napkins as you want. Make a quilt. God doesn’t care

you have the wrong friends if you haven’t discussed building your own commune at least once

Ouija Board spelling out pop-up ads for GameStop.

When I was 3 my Grammy got a facial and I proceeded to tell everyone I encountered for the next 3 weeks that she had a face lift. I've been a gossipy Gertie nearly since birth, coupled with my predilection for exaggerating every scenario for humor I fear I was born to be messy.

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK” I never know, just tell me