My kids love taking turns, for example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out

Inventor of hotel room coffee: What if you could drink Hell?

My kid just started a story with "a few Chipotles ago" so I'll be using that instead of "once upon a time"

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Taking our 17-year old on a college tour of my own alma mater, and have already mapped out all the locations where I woke up on campus and can’t remember how the hell I got there.

if you leave the room i’m in. i will always follow you to the next one. whatever this adventure is. you don’t have to do it alone

How do men find things when they live alone?

took me exactly 53 trips around the sun to realize that right now I’m as young as I’ll ever be, and as old as I’ve ever been, here in the honeyhole between already and not yet. Amen.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Jesus take the wheel I just watched a woman scratch her back with a chopstick at a restaurant table.

My son came home on a Friday and immediately did his homework due Monday. Whose kid is this because it's not mine?

For a small fee I will bring my three children, wildly unfiltered mouth and a store bought pie to your next holiday gathering so your mother in law can have someone else to complain about for a change

My over 6 ft tall, built like a linebacker teen said I was a bad parent for leaving him in the car while I ran into CVS as “someone could kidnap him.” I said I think that’s physically impossible & even if someone did manage to kidnap you they’d return you. Trust me, you’re safe.

I deserve an Academy Award for my role in Pretending I Didn't See You at the Grocery Store.

Pig broke. No legs. Send help.

I found the fattest way to get drunk.

At what point do we decide headlights on cars are bright enough? When our skin starts melting or when our eyes explode?

If women ran the country, and they passed laws affecting men’s reproductive organs, I wonder what the men would do?

Ammon Bundy this should help you roll outta town

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.