[Hate bench pressing 1000 lbs] Me: Hate is a strong word

They say women only use 10% of their anger

my blood pressure was 96 / 69 & I said nice & the nurse was like yeah that's pretty good & I didn't have the heart to be like "no, like sex"

how does kissing work.

In a move people are calling both "bad" & "weird," I'm dry-shaving the backs of my upper thighs while sitting in my car outside a Starbucks.

first date idea: eat an entire rotisserie chicken in your bed alone

Please move you're standing in my life

If you have tattoos on your face, you're legally obligated to kill someone for me

Is it too late to wish the beautiful Moe a happy birthday? Because i wish it!

May your crushes come true

"You have my full undivided attention -Me to my phone"

A mosh pit but for opera and instead of pushing you just cry in the middle

"I just started hitting the gym, Idk what happened" Cop: "Did it push you?" Me: *cries*

If you want a girls attention just die

"Umm...excuse me, this pogo stick is broken" "Ma'am I just planted that tree"

Ew. Don't touch me: A memoir

If you break your legs in the dark and shake them around, they'll glow bright green

I can't have feelings while I'm wearing skinny jeans

You'll miss me after I've songed

On a scale of one to butt How hurt are you?