Straight jackets: Give yourself a hug you crazy fuck.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can't get pregnant.

*Looks up from phone* "Omg I'm 89."

[at a bar] GUY: you using this chair? ME: I'm waiting for a friend GUY: ah all right thanks ME [just as he turns and leaves]: maybe it's you

YES I'M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

[Me at the bar] "Ugh everyone here has scoliosis"

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

*waking up from a ten year coma* put me back under

How does a place called Wales not have the highest obesity rate?

I'll give you advcie when I learn how to spell it

Retweeting my way to the bottom

Men are like lobsters As in you want to boil them in water Break their legs off, butter them up And devour their soul

Fuck organic. There, I said it.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane's about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do?? ME: *slowly stands up*

The last thing I wanted to be when I grew up was an adult.

On a scale of one to butt How hurt are you?

[Please don't heart this] Taking a few weeks off for vacation! I'll miss all of you 🙃 maybe I'll peek in and get some of ya 😘🙌 maybe...😏

When your friends try and bully you to tweet