A local drug dealer has been arrested for doing 90mph through our village after watching Top Gun. He felt the need, the need for Speed. #lunchpun

I’ve seen some sights as a proctologist. One man came in drenched from a downpour. I said he needed an umbrella. He replied he had one that he’d put up earlier #LunchPun

Not everyone succeeds in our local fishing competition… The struggle is reel #LunchPun #MondayMirth

In the world orienteering championships I know a good each way bet. #LunchPun

I went shopping for camouflage trousers, but I couldn't find any. #LunchPun

I'm trying to cheerlead for the Australian show jumping team but the horses won't keep quiet. 'Give me an A' Oh, this is hopeless! #LunchPun #Jokes

Jonathan Pryce had to wear a hairpiece in the film Brazil, because of his previous shaved role as a tonsured monk. He considered it a small Pryce toupee. #LunchPun

New versions of Winnie the Pooh are now coming with a Tigger warning. #LunchPun

I have developed a vaccine that is delivered through sound waves: It acts via Heard Immunity #MondayMirth #LunchPun #RateMyPun

Online headlines about people pretending to be wildebeest are fake gnus. #lunchpun

The clumsiest police division is Spatial Oops. #LunchPun

I rubbed some sandpaper on my skin, put on some linseed oil, and then covered myself in varnish. Don’t know why, I just thought I’d treat myself. #LunchPun

My girlfriend said she wanted us to watch smurf porn, which came as something out of the blue #LunchPun

On the one hand, I've broken my finger. On the other hand, I’m okay. #LunchPun

I did a course called Increase Your Reach. We studied brands like Nescafé, so now I can get the jar off the top shelf. #LunchPun

Is a LEGO hospital full of model patients? #LunchPun

When the cutlery truck overturned, we required a forklift truck. That only solved 1/3 of the problem though... #LunchPun

Nobody knows who invented the very first bathroom adjoined to a bedroom. Which is why it’s called Anon Suite. #LunchPun

I wanted to watch a WW2 film but the remote control was up on the highest shelf. Reach for the sky? No, Where Eagles Dare. #Lunchpun

It's a nightmare going out for a drink with my old goalkeeping coach. Whenever we start on the shots he thinks it's amusing to tip one over the bar. #Lunchpun