In church this morning the priest in his sermon said that Jesus was a carpenter. I’m no expert but I’m guessing he must have been the one that played the drums, #lunchpun

I was assaulted while working in a cocktail bar last night. I'm still shaking. #LunchPun

Apparently, the best way for politicians to keep the populace docile is to entertain them with Knights who swear repeatedly about loaves: ‘Bread and Sir Cusses’ #SideSplittingSunday #LunchPun #RateMyPun

Although there is a downside to measuring one of the blokes from ABBA for his outfit, there are many Benny fits. #LunchPun

The only opening by Royal Warrant I'm going to attend this summer will be when the missus opens a new fancy marmalade! #sidesplittingsunday #LunchPun

#sidesplittingsunday #lunchpun Pillaging: when a pharmacy is robbed.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday my football team managed to get to the finals of the Gardeners v Builders Cup which was held over two legs. We were good on grass but we lost 5-1 on aggregate.

What do you call an offensively constructed and unnecessarily complicated chain reaction series of ill-tempered devices? A Rude Goldberg Machine #SillySaturday #LunchPun #RateMyPun

When I missed the chance to put out a petrol fire, I was FOMO’ing at the mouth. #LunchPun

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I bought a new patio table in the garden centre ‘end of season’ sales yesterday. It’s not much of a story, but I shall be dining out on it for weeks to come.

#LunchPun Smashed sandwich and some whipped cream 😋🍦..

I’ve just realised that my neighbour Maureen Price is 3 inches taller than Reality TV’s Katie Price,but 2 inches shorter than the singer Alan Price. I found this out on a Price comparison website. #lunchpun

What do you get if you conflate- Flanagan and Allen Cary Grant and the scorer of Scotland’s winning goal against Holland in the 1978 World Cup? ______________________________________________________ Underneath The Archie’s #BadJokeFriday #LunchPun #RateMyPun

May I ask, just why you’re putting chess pieces in that glass? Certainly, I’m making a pawn cocktail. #LunchPun

A lot of Scottish explorers, who tackled the harshness of snowy wastelands, came to really hate ice cream dessert rations. They were known as Scots of the Anti Arctic Roll #LunchPun

A popular TV mule arrived at a shared vacation destination ahead of former Gladiator Diane Youdale Muffin beats Jet to holiday #lunchpun

I've dropped Little Red Corvette and Mustang Sally from my cabaret act after someone accused me of being an auto tune singer. #LunchPun #Jokes

There's a new music studio nearby so bands can share facilities. Sometimes they book but most just rock up. #lunchpun