I don't copy, I just do me 😎

My red flag is made out of the boxers I stole off your clothes line

A dog’s motivational plaque: Sniff like everything stinks Lick like everything itches Bark like no one’s home

Been eating salad lately. Think I better do a pizza cleanse.

A throuple, but it’s just me and two tater tots.

It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

“YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE!” —Me, serenading my cat while he desperately tries to escape.

Top Gun taught me anyone can be irresistible with the right sunglasses and a theme song.

The world accepts broken people, as long as they remain quiet about their struggles.

It’s ok, I don’t like 5am tweets either.

Happy Fuck a Follower Friday

Me: [demonic voice] I HAVE CRAMPSSSS Boss: It’s a five-minute demo M: I’M BLEEDING FOR THE SINS OF EVE. [dramatic groans] B: GO HOME! And maybe pray.

I’m going to hold my hand under my belly for pictures from now on so everyone knows it’s my food baby

I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-stupid!

Unfortunately, everyone saw me fuck up the Hokey Pokey.

Juggling anger beyond my skill level.

Oh, he’s over 6’0” you say?! Alexa, add climbing gloves to cart😏

I never invite anyone in, cuz...you know...vampires.

Just found a gray hair. I don't even mind though. Just means I'm one step closer to being a badass wizard.

A gangbang, but with hugs and compliments.