There are directions on the back of the cereal. Cereal directions. Directions for cereal. I hate people.

I'd tweet more about sex, but my memory isn't that good.

You don't know fear until you're potty training a naked toddler...

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Well, at least my retweets are good.

....but Jesus wants me to be high.

If there's anything I've learned in 28 years, hollandaise sauce makes anything better.

No problems in over three years, but I still always make sure my daughter is breathing before I go to sleep.

@VintageBabe1212 you bet, well deserved.

An NFL rookie was clocked at 25mph on a treadmill and I just downed 2 double cheeseburgers and a large fry. WHO'S THE ROOKIE NOW, BITCH?

My 5yo can use the word 'literally' correctly, what's your fucking excuse?

9mo will put a cat turd in his mouth if I let him, but mashed sweet-potato and pureed apples are completely rejected. ITS YUMMY! EAT IT!

July 4th Holiday weekend People with no kids: "Party" Parents: "Memories" Parents of #autistic kids: "We're fucked" #autism #ASD

@lilgapeach30 Well deserved. Thanks!

@MultitaskMomma Bruce Sallan Military Dad Daddy Blogger Don Jackson 위드파파 Travis Williams Bill Mckenzie Chris R thanks

I just assumed you were supposed to snort antidepressants. I mean, sometimes I wonder if this doctor is interested in my well being at all

20yo intern said he felt great because he, "slept like a baby." I kicked his ass while the other office parents cheered me on.

Whenever my #autistic 3yo hears the doorbell he thinks its one of his therapists No kid, that's the pizza guy and you speak better than him

Please go to tinyurl.com/qxe9ugl and vote for this video. ASAN is a great organization and worthy of much more national exposure.

I'd link my twitter to my Facebook but I don't want the people who actually know me to actually "know" me.