Dreaming of Scrooge McDuck's vault but filled with French fries *puts on swimming goggles*

Was reminiscing about laser discs when my younger colleague asked me what those are then this hole appeared in the wall and my hand hurts

"I'm so full from all this water I drank!" And other things you'll never hear me say

If you're not the kind of person that drinks chip crumbs from the bag then we probably won't get along

I wanna curl up in a dark room in my pjs with a calzone for a pillow and an extra large pizza as a blanket

Well la di fucking da, people who can eat a candy bar without drooling all over it with every excited bite

How many times can YOU type 'Frankfurt' before you start craving a hot dog mine is one

My last 3 tweets were about junk food so of course it makes sense for me to be followed immediately after by 'Fitness Selfies'. Wtf twitter

Heavy breathers freak me out. Fuckin relax, you're just sitting down at your desk not running a marathon, Vader.

Already super excited about all the sleep I'm planning to get this weekend

I volunteered at a firehouse fish fri once and we poured steak drippings in the batter so everyone went to hell lolol

I'll probably end up dying alone, but at least I'll be happy.

I'm not saying deep fried mozzarella is good, I'm saying it's incredible!

"I showered for this?" _Me, at Wal-Mart