sluttiest thing a man can do is go running shirtless in the summer

hate when work gets in the way of my hootin’ and hollerin’

34 guilty counts ah ah ah

the bachelor? no, give me a reality tv show about making non-work friends as an adult

most men can’t find stair 1 even with a map

actually my therapist says i should be living in the present so “circling back” isn’t part of my mental health journey

[first day as a lawyer]

but your honor, my client was in need of a treat and a nap

me: I think i’ve made a lot of progress

therapist: please get out of my car

School: Don’t send your kid to school sick

Also school: if you don’t send your kid to school, you’ll go to jail

Fuck, Fuck, Goose! is based on the original children’s game except it’s just a Canada goose chasing you through the park.

♫ But I would walk 500 miles ♫
♫ And I would walk 500 more ♫

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

10: wine on the rocks.

90% of being gay is just spending money

“Walk in a sad cowboy, leave a jolly rancher.”

My toxic trait is forgetting to hit Start on EVERYthing.

Thank goodness the school year is over so I can get a second mortgage on my house for summer camp.

Gonna make a horror movie for introverts

Me: I don’t like drama

Also me reading Facebook posts from a couple that just broke up:

Interviewer: What is your ideal work environment?

Me: A place where my coworkers don’t ask me if I did anything fun this weekend.