Someone I knew in high school who is a fitness instructor now just asked me if I knew anyone wanting to lose 15-20 pounds. Is anyone suppose to be me

I can’t see well but I don’t want to buy glasses because squinting at the Starbucks menu gives me an excuse as to why I take 20 min deciding a drink when I inevitably always order a iced coffee

My parents really messed up when they put my B grade papers up on the fridge

Tom Hanks said, “She makes coffee nervous” about his girlfriend in a movie once and I think about it every day

My parents watched the same movies when I was younger and for the longest time I thought Kevin Bacon was the only actor

CDC says Rose had enough room on the door for Jack to survive

#PickoftheDay: The Comedy Roof Grand Central Market 6/2 thecomedybureau.com/comedy-roof-6-…

I am consistently impressed by babies who wake up every morning without coffee

A text I send my parents often is now trending on Twitter

Girl who checks her phone every minute says the universe is trying to tell her ✨something✨when she sees it’s 11:11

Just typed in an address into my calculator instead of Google maps. Everyone stay off the roads she’s tired

Guys don’t like fall as much as girls because it’s that time of year when we wear a turtle neck and they actually have to focus on our words

My mom likes to randomly say, “You got your mama’s nose”. Like I haven’t noticed my entire life? Like I’m just in bed awake at night like, I NEED ANSWERS. Someone’s not telling me something

Don’t go to a bar to find someone. You know what’s in there but you keep going back. It’s like when you’re hungry and you keep opening the fridge thinking you’ll see something new & you know it’s nothing good. Eventually you’ll say ok what if I eat AROUND the mold on this cheese?

Some man whistles outside of my window every morning and it sounds really nice so I’ve started Shazaming it

Just saw someone hiking up Runyon while reading a script. Should I push him off the mountain, yes or no?

I’ve never been scared of a man walking a Pomeranian

Person trying to change their Spotify Wrapped last minute

Remember that time when girls were getting upset if they weren’t proposed to with a flash mob dancing to a Bruno Mars song?

Personally I don’t want to sit my fork down in between bites. Please respect that