Cackling into the glow of my particle board faux fireplace as I prep for THE CREATIVE WRITING CLASS for Meat & Hair | Creative Writing School for Business Obviously starting w academic analysis of perennial classic "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers," by @cnissan Thank god for serious professionals

last class of the semester down so you KNOW I'm about to get WILD 🤘🤪 (drink half a beer watching jeopardy, muting the part where contestants talk about themselves)

New out of office reply

If we are being honest, I mostly identify as an ugly christmas sweater

Nothing good ever comes after a knock.

“no one knows the point of life” actually I do and it’s to dip a crusty bread in tomato soup

Have you tried blowing on it like a Nintendo cartridge? -me as a therapist

Gather ‘round, ladies. It’s time for the annual buying of The Notebook That Will Change Everything™️.

nope - inspirational tweet

Does anyone else have to have their money right side up and facing the same way so the world doesn't explode?

as i walk into the bed, bath & beyond with instructions from my wife to look for some throw pillows that won’t clash with the curtains in our house, my thoughts wander to the very real possibility that i may already be dead

"People you may know" but will hide from in the grocery store.

Let’s redecorate (paint all the walls and furniture the same color as the orange dreamsicle frosty) 🧡🍊🟠📙🏀🟧

if you recognize me in public come say hi i’ll be in the frozen aisle and look like this

Good luck "private number," I haven't answered my phone for a number I know since 2013.

The older you get the louder your sighs become.

Sad to report that if you just get up and start doing things, they get done. There should be a better way though.

Therapist: So when do you think your anxiety started? Me: